The Biggest Fuckboys On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Week 3

Wow, okay, I am just coming off a high of realizing Diggy re-tweeted my article from last week and considering sliding into his DM’s—but no, I like him and Dominique they’re super cute, just play it cool Betchson, leave the ball in his court, that’s what my therapist common dating etiquette says and anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the fuckboys. First off, I would just like to say how trash this season is becoming. Where are Kenny, Anthony, Alex, or like, ANY of the dudes from Rachel’s season that these girls and women in general might actually want to date? Is Christen really that tragic that the Tickle Monster and a serial killer are real, viable options for her? I just have a lot of feelings, and a lot of questions. So without further ado, here is the fuckboy list.

5. Derek And Taylor

Yes yes y’all, I am including A GIRL on the list of fuckboys. I know, I’m a pioneer for gender equality. What can I say. To me, the whole Derek/Taylor fight was kind of overblown and also kind of Taylor overreacting. *Braces self for army of angry women* HEAR ME OUT, FOLKS. Derek shares a spot on this list because it IS fucked up that his immediate response to Taylor calmly expressing that she dislikes when he shuts down in the face of conflict was to say, “Fuck you.” Like, dude what? That escalated quickly. It would be one thing if she said his dick was tiny or she hates that he never finishes tasks because he’s just like his father (just a random example…). But that wasn’t what happened here. And, responding to “You shut down when conflict arises” with “fuck you” kiiiinda proves Taylor’s point in the first place, bud.

HOWEVER, and this is where Taylor lands her place here, Derek immediately apologized once Taylor told him how uncool that was. Now, my ex a true fuckboy would double down, insist Taylor was overreacting, and refuse to apologize, but Derek apologized right away. That should have been the end of it, but instead we got a full meltdown from Taylor. And look, I’m sensitive to her past emotional abuse. I am. But if you will not put up with a partner who ever curses when they’re mad, maybe that’s why you’re on a reality dating show in the first place you’re in for a long fucking road ahead, because in the real world people act out in the heat of the moment sometimes. Truth be told, neither of them are actual fuckboys, but I needed to round out this list feel like Taylor is on her way to some questionable shit because she really loves to tell people the “right” way to feel in various situations because she’s a “mental health counselor”. Ugh, spare me. Can you imagine dating a dietician who felt compelled to comment on every single thing you eat? Yeah, no. I’m “emotionally exhausted” just thinking about it.

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4. Chris Harrison

It wasn’t enough for ABC, and by extension, Chris Harrison to tease this scandal for ratings every chance they got, but when they invited Corinne to give her side of the story they re-traumatized her all over again. WTF was that about? Am I the only one who noticed? 

Chris Harrison: *shows entire montage of the media crucifying Corinne* Corinne, was that hard to watch just now?

Corinne, me, anyone in the world with a semblance of a human heart: Yea no shit. 

Truly unnecessary. Not to mention, Corinne was basically forced to apologize for creating the whole scandal even though—one more time for the sexists people in back—she wasn’t the one who filed the complaint in the first place! Did DeMario ever apologize for unknowingly contributing to this scandal? No. And that, my friends, is rape culture. Yes, I’ve roasted Corinne and DeMario in the past because I’m an equal opportunity roaster, but really I just blame ABC for the way they handled all of this. I think Chad put it best when he said, “Fuck you, Chris Harrison.”

3. Matt

Matt is a fuckboy in Paradise (again) because of that stunt he pulled, saying he was going to leave and getting Jasmine and Christen worked up, only to come back at the rose ceremony and give Jasmine his rose. Do I realize that idea was probably solely the producers’? Yes. Am I going to fault Matt for it anyway? Also yes. Matt is such a clown because instead of telling Jasmine he wasn’t into her he decided to just UP AND LEAVE PARADISE. I know Jasmine has a choking fetish, but COME ON. What is it with the men on this show? Y’all act like scared kittens around the women because you think they’re going to flip out on you, so instead you lead them on indefinitely, which is actually what causes them to flip out on you. If Matt (and Dean, and every man in existence until the end of time, Amen) would just be honest in the first fucking place, no one would be mad and we could all move on with our lives like adults. Jesus. I need a glass of wine raise.

2. Dean

Yes, that’s right. Your eyes do not deceive you. Make no mistake, Dean is #1 Public Enemy Fuckboy, but at this point his routine is getting tired *whispers* much like Taylor Swift’s victim complex. Even though Dean’s actions are getting worse and I would have jumped through the TV and strangle him while yelling “JUST TELL HER YOU’RE NOT INTO HER!!” had this all not been pre-recorded, at a certain point Kristina needs to WAKE THE FUCK UP take accountability. Homegirl, you’ve watched this guy blatantly lie to your face, what, twice now? And yet you still trust his word. WHY? What’s that quote? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… won’t get fooled again”? Ah yes, that’s the one. This applies here. However, at the end of the day it’s Dean’s fault for not sacking tf up and saying “Look I’m into D-Lo now; everyone on this island can see it.” It’s really not that hard. Why do all of these dudes have such communication issues? (Says the girl who matched her high school ex on Bumble for the third time this year while watching this program.) I’m just saying, Dean, being honest is a hell of a lot easier than performing the Olympic-level mental gymnastics required to say shit like “I feel like I’m going to let you go and once I let you go I know I’m gonna regret it.” Actual footage of me when I heard that line:

1. Daniel

I’m not sure if I got plunged into an alternate universe when Daniel came on the screen—wait, is this show actually called ??but I immediately felt like every single thing he said was highly offensive, and all the girls just went with it. Am I just taking crazy pills? In the span of like, two minutes, Daniel made fun of Christen for being a virgin; called all the girls “leftover scraps,” inducing my latest rage blackout; and dangled the date card carrot in front of Lacey’s face, only to snatch it away and be like “I’m not giving you this date, don’t be so presumptuous.” Spoken like every guy who’s ever yelled, “HEY GIRL WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER? … Oh ok fuck you too bitch, acting like you don’t see me, you’re ugly.” But then he went on the date with Lacey anyway. That’s just how I like to start out all my relationships: with a heavy dose of manipulation and making you doubt your own self-worth. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be nice? ALSOOO, Daniel related literally every piece of conversation to his penis somehow. Could you imagine dating Daniel? You could never eat a popsicle, or a banana, or any other vaguely phallic food in his presence because he’d turn it into a blow job request. And you can just forget about nuts or legumes because you’d never hear the end of “DEEZ NUTS!!” jokes. Oh god. This is the stuff of nightmares. Daniel is the living form of the guy on Tinder who opens conversation with a dick pic. Forget about being the top fuckboy of this week, this man is truly disturbed. And with that, I’m calling the FBI.

Lacey, godspeed.

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