Few aspects of parenting unite the masses like bedtime.
Sure, there are some superhuman parents who manage to wrangle their offspring into bed with a minimal amount of effort and agony. But then there are the rest of us.
If the idea of putting your loinfruit down for the night causes you to twitch uncontrollably, these tweets are for you.
Let’s start with the big picture. If “drunk, rabid chimpanzees” is not a relatable description of bedtime with small children at your house, please teach us your ways.
It’s all about routine, right? That’s what the experts say. This color-coded diagram of a typical bedtime routine seems accurate:
It’s a good idea to start the routine with a story, which can be a super sweet bonding time, and also feel like it takes a million bajillion years.
I’m the Michael Jordan of skipping parts of a kid’s bedtime book.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 3, 2018
Then there’s the lullaby. Or lullabies plural, until you end up singing whatever song comes into your head because OMG KID, JUST GO TO SLEEP.
“Mama, one more lullaby?”
“I can’t think of any more- GOODNIGHT!”
“Tommy used to work on the docks… Union’s been on strike, he’s down on his luck, it’s tough..”
— RachRiot (@RachRiot) September 12, 2018
You think you’re done. But then comes the philosophy portion of the evening, where your kid who couldn’t tell you a single thing they learned in school that day suddenly becomes super deep and inquisitive.
Now you find yourself torn between encouraging their curiosity and wanting to leave the damn room.
My kid will not go to bed until she has a chance to ask me about every single thing that has ever happened since the beginning of time. Omg 👏make 👏it 👏stop!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 8, 2018
Finally, there’s the dehydration phase of the night. You: “Goodnight!” Them: “Must . . . have . . . water . . .”
Why is it that during the day the children complain that they are tired but when it’s bedtime they are wide awake and all of a sudden need to drink a gallon and go to the bathroom?#momlife #parenting #BedSheets #BedtimeStory #Bedtime pic.twitter.com/QPvYTkmZmD
— Alexis H. 🦇 (@coffeeplusfaith) September 9, 2018
Seriously. YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH WATER.
Unless you’ve screamed “YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH WATER!” at midnight don’t talk to me about how tired you are.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 24, 2018
After a few kids, you get wise to the water thing and use it as a science lesson.
1st kid at bedtime: I’m thirsty.
Me: *fetches cup after cup of water*
4th kid at bedtime: I’m thirsty.
Me: It’ll be cool to see how much you shrink from dehydration. Science.
— Mama Needs a Nap (@MamaNeedsa_Nap) September 12, 2018
That seems like it should be it right? Routine done, kid falls asleep?
But oh no. Kids like to get creative.
What the heck are you doing in your bed, kid?
And check this out. You know how sometimes you could swear your kids are doing all of this on purpose?
Well, apparently sometimes they are.
i’m putting the kids i babysit to bed and one of them looks at me and goes “tonight is the night” and i’m like ??? and he goes “i told alexa to set an alarm and play kidz bop at 2 am in my parents room”
— jamie 🌙 (@jamisonnicole97) September 8, 2018
This is the kind of thing that makes us suspicious on the rare nights when bedtime actually runs smoothly. It’s also what makes us age 10 years every night.
Sometimes the funniest things aren’t even trying to be funny. May I present the most obvious study result in the history of study results?
Okay, Sherlock. If it were only that simple. Case in point:
A fun thing you can do is tell your kids it’s bedtime and then tell them it’s bedtime again and again until you’re levitating with rage.
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) August 26, 2018
All is not lost, however. This mom figured out a genius parenting hack to get kids to bed lickety-split:
Now let’s say you do finally get them to sleep (probably by lying in bed with them because who are we kidding). That’s when your own body inevitably betrays you as you attempt to leave without waking them.
Based on what it sounds like when I try to leave my child’s room after I get them to sleep, my knees are filled with Rice Krispie treats and Pop-Its.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 12, 2018
Ah, bedtime. After three kids, I think I’ve figured out why it’s such a chaotic mess. Kids simply operate on a completely different set of definitions than we do. It’s the only explanation.
It’s a good thing those little buggers are so darned cute. (Especially when they’re asleep.)
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